BDSM Relationships

15 Points of a BDSM relationship!

1) Communicate- The importance of this can never be stressed enough. If you are a Dom, make sure your requirements and demands are clearly expressed. If you are sub, make sure you talk about what you need and want out of the relationship. Talk about issues that arise, joys and pleasure that you both experience, things that are going really well, and areas that need to be adjusted.

2) Go Slow- When you are starting a new relationship, or trying a new aspect of a BDSM relationship, take things slow. Nothing good comes from rushing into anything.

3) “A” submissive, not “Your” submissive- Just because someone is a submissive, doesn’t mean they want to be YOUR submissive. Calling yourself a Dominant doesn’t give you the right to call submissive's names, or act dominate towards someone who has never given you their submission. Treat people with respect at all times.

4) The BDSM Buffet- It’s okay to take different aspects of different BDSM dynamics and create something that is unique and works for you. Every relationship is different. If you want to be in a DD/lg , or D/s relationship with pieces of pet play and a bit of Master/slave dynamic, then go ahead! Find what works for you. Experiment.

5) Don’t EVER kink shame- It’s okay to not like every kink. It’s okay to be confused as to why someone would enjoy a certain activity or dynamic. But it is NEVER okay to shame someone for what they like to do (so long as what they like to do is legal, consensual, and safe).

6) No two relationships are the same- You don’t have to try to be like every other relationship. If your rules are super strict, or really relaxed, that’s fine. If you live a 24/7 relationship, or only play once a month, that’s okay ! If it works for you, and makes everyone involved happy, then that’s all that matters. Don’t compare your relationship to others, and don’t make other people feel bad for not doing things the same way that you do.

7) Aftercare is ESSENTIAL- After any scene it is vital for the Dominant to look after the submissive. Encourage them, tell them they are beautiful, hug, cuddle, massage, kiss, sing a lullaby…whatever the submissive needs (as everyone is different). If the submissive is crying, make sure they are consoled. If part of the scene requires humiliation or intense physical/mental exertion, then make sure you re-assure them and give them a chance to rest. Most importantly, make sure they know that you love them, care for them, and want only whats best for them!

8) Keep going over/adjusting the rules- This goes along with the earlier communication point. Don’t be afraid to adjust the rules to meet current needs. As people grow, things change. A rule that once made sense, may no longer be required, or perhaps something that was once strict needs to become more lenient (or vice versa). This should be something that both Dominant and submissive talk about, and all rule changes should be mutually agreed upon.

9) Try to switch- This isn’t a requirement, but it is a suggestion. It’s hard for a Dominant to fully appreciate how beautiful and difficult submission is if they have never experienced it. Likewise, a submissive who has never been dominant may not understand how hard it can be to constantly be in control. Try switching (even if it is just for a half hour play session). It gives both parties experience, and everyone will learn something!

10) Stay Safe- This seems obvious, but it should always be said. If you don’t feel comfortable in an relationship/situation….LEAVE. If you need something to stop, use the safe word! It’s the subs responsibility to make sure they are communicating with the Dominant (especially if things are starting to get uncomfortable), and it is the Dominant's HUGE responsibility to make sure they are respecting all limits, and respond to safewords.

11) Explain punishments- Never punish for the sake of punishing. Don’t just create arbitrary rules just so you can punish the submissive. If you are going to punish, make sure the submissive knows exactly WHY they are being punished.

12) Submission is a gift- Never take the submissive's submission for granted. It’s a beautiful gift that needs to be respected at all times!

13) Make sure you give rewards- Don’t just be the Dominant that only ever hands out punishments. Give your submissive praise for a job well done, and make sure that you give them rewards as often as you can!

14) Don’t make a habit out of acting up just so you can get punished- I’m not saying to never do it…sometimes it can be a fun little game to play. However, if you (the submissive) wants to get spanked or punished, it’s okay to just ASK for it! Trust me, very few Dominant's will turn down the opportunity to spank their submissive.

15) Have Fun! BDSM should be fun. Enjoy it! Don’t take the relationship so seriously that you don’t ever enjoy yourself. Yes…a BDSM relationship is a big deal and a lot of work…but if it’s not enjoyable then whats the point? If you can’t laugh and smile with one another, play games (that aren’t always sexual), or just enjoy each others company, then you are either doing something wrong, or you are in the wrong relationship.

This is by no means a complete list. What other things should be added to the list?

This is not my writing, I was given permission to use.

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