A new beginning in my submissive journey...

                                   For the past couple of weeks I've been struggling with the
                       threat of ending my submissive / submission journey. I know I had
                       wrote the End of a journey back some 5 days ago. I did End one of
                       me journeys.........THE END OF ABUSE JOURNEY.

                                   I have been asked by many why did I write that : End Of
                      Journey. Well let me explain, I could continue on that journey with
                      all the abuse I have taken, received, the pain, the tears, the hating of
                      myself, the disgust  l felt towards myself, the feeling of being un-
                      worthy of a Dominant, to be used , abused , then discarded as throwned
                      into the trash as a disgusting cunt. I don't like to remember how I
                      learned to dis-trust, to put up walls and barriers, to try and protect
                      myself.  Or I could End that Journey and start a New Journey where
                      there is love, respect, trust, open communication, self worth, feeling 
                      confident in her body, beauty, strength, courage, desires, safe words,
                      negotiations, contracts, and maybe someday in the far future a collar.


                                   I have to End one Journey, if I want to start a New Journey.
                     So I choose to End that Journey, and I choose to start a New Journey.

                                    Many have asked what my story is or was.....well it is not
                     pleasant !!!!! So If want to start a New Journey, I guess I should tell
                     you my old journey that I have forgiven myself from............and I
                     needed help to get to this point . I had to deal with my past relationships,
                    the pain and abuse that came from them. I had been struggling for some
                    time and was not looking for a Dominant, I was just looking for some
                    help in how I could deal with this and with my submissive mindset
                    while being without a Dominant in my submissive life.

                                   Well this Dominant found me and asked about my story, so I
                   told I this Dominant stranger of Sir W and of the abuse for the past 5
                   years I was with him and the final event that ALMOST took my life,
                   but took the life of my unborn baby girl. That day Sir W when he drinks,
                   he becomes this different man. He no longer Dominant and in control but
                   becomes like an animal that was different from His Dominant side. Well
                   that fateful day Sir W decided to drink that sweet taste of Rum and I paid
                   the price of His drunken abusive animalistic beatings, the fists hitting my
                   face, my chest, my back, His hand around my neck squeezing and chocking
                   the breath out of me. When He finally let go, I collapsed to the floor trying
                   to get air into my lungs. Sir W was not finished, so while I lay there on the
                   floor at the top of the stairs, He kicked me the stomach and abdomen and
                   belly area again and again, around a dozen times or more, I lost count from
                   the pain, and with His last kick He pushed me over the edge of the stairs
                   and I went flying down them until I hit the floor at the bottom of the stairs.
                   I don't know how long I laid there, all I know I woke up in huge puddle of
                   blood and it was my own blood. It took every last bit of strength to pull
                   myself along the floor to get to the phone. Dialed 911. that was the last
                   thing I remembered, when I awoke three days later in the hospital. Where I
                   was informed, Sorry we could not save your baby girl. When you arrived at
                   emergency she was already gone, you had eternal bleeding so we had no
                   choice but to stop the bleeding by doing a hysterectomy to save your life.
                   We are Sorry to inform you that you will be able to have any more children.

But that was not my start into Dominance / submission, it was 

at the of 13 when a friend of the family took me, raped me at first and took

away my childhood. I was made to submit to His every command and by 

the age of 14 I was having my Baby Boy, mean while I was a mixed up

mess of confusion & became a Mom at 14. Today I love my Son and he

is my only strength I have from my broken mess of youth. Well that

is where it all started.

I don't really like to discuss my stories, they just remind me of the times

that were so hurtful and damaging and none of them were done

out of love. Love would never do this a human being.  These two 

stories and one more are the ones that have done the most damage

to my faith in human kindness and trust, love....

So let's continue on to my third and final story........shall we.

I learned through my relationships with men & Dominants to submit and of

my submission. I learned through fear, through abuse, through beatings 

physical and mental abuse. My last Dominant Sir I was of mental abuse

through His words of disgust. I did not let my friends know or even the

submissive training ecourse that I was taking, I was disgusted of myself

and embarrassed that I was in another abusive relationship. Sir I is a very

intimidating, wealthy, political, powerful Dominant. He never uses

 negotiations or contracts and does not follow to the rules and regulations

of the lifestyle of BDSM.  He has His own ways of doing things and

at first He was kind and sweet, sucking you right into His trap. He is 

very good with His words and then one day He video called me and

with all of His questions and talking, He had me so mixed up and 

confused as to what is He talking about and then next thing I heard Him

say was welcome to my family and you will from now on refer to

me as Sir I or Master I is that clear cunt. I was confused and asked when

did we negotiate and sign a contract that I was submitting to you. Well

for the next 30 minutes I got lecture and admonished and told to just

obey and do as I'm told to. There is no negotiations, no contract, you

are my property and I own your ass, is this clear Cunt.I sat there and

cried, scared out of my skin and I realized I was more scared of Him than

I was from the one that came before Him. So I submitted to this Dominant 

for 18 months. I continually asked to be given the rules and to be 

trained into how Sir I like to be pleasured. He was poly and I am not. He 

never collars any submissive and no one is allowed to stay with Him. 

He prefers to stay single and live alone. When Sir I chooses to play

with you physically and in person, the sub is one that travels to His home.

There is financial help for you to visit when He calls you. Every time I

try to ask questions, I get punished and never answers the questions.

No negotiations, no contracts, not allowed to ask question, no training to

 His ways. You're given two dirrectives : 1. send two pictures daily to Him 

showing Him His property. 2. Obedience, obey my every word.

You're informed you are here for His pleasure only, yours means nothing

to Him, and cunt you don't receive any pleasure from me, is that 

clear, Cunt. I had it pounded into my head that I'm nothing, just a cnt.

Sir I, showed me that I can't trust Him, that Sir I does not respect me, 

not only as His submissive, but also as a human being. I tried so many

times to communicate my needs, wants, desires, Stop Being Insolent & 

Disobedient, Cunt, is that clear !!!  It came to the say I asked Sir I as I 

was asking these same questions to myself first. What am I doing with Him ?

Does He even care ? Does He respect me ? I had a lot of questions and 

after 18 months of this I wrote a long message to Sir I and asked every one

of them and the reply I got was blocked, cast out with no answers. So I 

knew Sir I never truly cared or respected, or trusted, or even like me....but He

did get told what He meant to me, that He was my Sir, my all and that I 

loved Him. So now He is laughing at how stupid I was, but this is how He

works. He does not train and build you up, so that you can become the of

yourself, the best submissive for Him....No, He does everything in His power

to destroy you. To make you feel that you are worthless. It takes a

tremendous amount of strength to even go on..........but I'm still here after 

being alone for 5 months, trying to get those words out of my head, trying

to get that worthless feeling out of my heart, trying to hang on to tiny

threads of my spirit........but I'm still here.

I wrote up some goals for this broken submissive into a Meditation Mantra,

but not fully understanding how to implement them......

These are the goals that I wrote up :

1. I will learn to quiet my thoughts.

2. I will learn to push my body,

3. I will learn to challenge my mind.

4. I will learn to become patient.

5. I will learn to show obedience.

6. I will learn to earn my pleasure.

7. I will learn to please my dominant.

8. I will exercise to be healthier.

9. I will learn to show my gratitude.

10. I will learn to honor, trust, respect my Dominant.

11. I will write in my journal everyday 5 things I'm grateful for

and not the same ones but new ones everyday.

12. I will write in my blog and do my best to keep up with

my submissive plants and my submissive /submission journey.

A new Dominant that I met said to forget all the abuse and pain that 

came out of those relationships and to forgive them and forgive yourself.

That I chose to accept the abuse, I allowed it to happen. 

I need to reset my mind by forgetting all the wrong teachings, 

forgive yourself for the abuse that I allowed. We went throught

these session where I let out all of that pain, anger, embarrassment 

of all the beatings, cruel words, cried so so hard that it was just a

relief to let it all come out and leaving me feel for the first time

of this peace coming over me and all of that weight being lifted

from my shoulders and heart. For the first time in such a long time

I had felt at peace with it all and it felt amazing to have that

burden lifted from me. Now you need to be build back up with

the correct mindset, a new creature, a new submissive.

Start tonight before bed and every morning when you rise.

Go to your mirror and for 5 minutes look at yourself,

hug yourself, then repeat these words 3 times.

I am beautiful

I am love

I love myself

I deserve love

I am intellegent

I am worthy

I am a submissive

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then the next Sunday at church I hear these words :

People always ask God why does He let bad things happen to 

good people and to His children !!!!

and then I hear the answer, God is in control of the world, there

are many roads and paths to take, but only one leads to God.

Which path did you take, which path did you choose !!!

You are saved by the grace of God through faith in the blood of Christ Jesus.

God gave you free will.....

it was your choice to take a different path....

Then it hit me and it sunk in deeper and louder that it was I

who allowed the abuse to happen.

I choose the right path this time in my new submissive journey

I choose love, respect, trust, communication

I choose no more abuse, it is not allowed.

I am a new creature

a new submissive

Now I just need to be built up to be the best I can be.....

So now the new submissive journey can begin !!!

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