Research Fear ...

Responsible Fear Play

Fear play is not usually something people jump into right away when they’re new to the scene. Although, even if you think you’ve never done any fear play, you might be wrong. Fear play runs on a long spectrum much like most other things. Ever been spanking a bottom again and again and again then suddenly stop and give pause, only to surprise them with one hard smack! That pause, even though it’s subtle, can cause momentary fear in the bottom. Not knowing what will come next – for example putting a blindfold on them – can cause fear. It may be showing them a scary toy, then blindfolding them and, in reality, using something that merely feels like you might be using the “scary” toy but you’re not. As you advance to certain implements, like single tails or dragonstails, or even canes – you may strike it or crack it hard nearby to make them jump. All of these things can be considered fear play. Heck, sometimes just making them think you’ve left them alone on the cross or bench can be a total mind fuck – yet we know that a responsible Top would never actually do this.

Some types of fear play I don’t recommend unless it’s with a trusted and long term partner. One example of this is a story I know of a female Dom with her slave and the slave had a hard limit of breaking his skin. She first showed him a knife then blindfolded him. She’d done non-cutting knife play before so he thought nothing of it. Using a toothpick and warm honey she pretended to “accidentally” cut him. Scared the crap out of him. He didn’t know it wasn’t real until after the scene. People have also used fake versions of real phobias to create fear. For example, if the bottom is arachnophobic (spiders) then using plastic spiders in the scene can cause intense fear. Even if they know they’re fake – it’s based on a phobia which amplifies the emotional response. Making them hold them or placing them on the bottom’s body could be scarier than the whip or staple gun in your hand!

Now, this brings me to an important point. In the case of a real phobia DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT use or do the real thing. Using the example above, never put a real live spider on a bottom who is arachnophobic. If someone is claustrophobic be VERY careful about using sensory deprivation and especially things like hoods or gas masks. Even if something seems harmless to you, these are illogical, yet real, fears. To the bottom this type of extreme fear play can cause traumatic psychological results. Plus they probably won’t ever want to play with you again!

So while fear play can be awesome, remember that there are different levels. Base what you do on the experience and trust you have with your play partner and always do it responsibly. While I appreciate getting new clients in my therapy office, this shouldn’t be the reason!

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO BEING A DOMINANT

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake Dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake Dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

• Daddy
• Master
• Boss
• Owner
• Sadist
• 
  

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

• Holding their sub down during sex
• Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
• Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
• Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

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I hope you enjoyed this article that I found in my searching in my learning .