Research Fear ...

Responsible Fear Play

Fear play is not usually something people jump into right away when they’re new to the scene. Although, even if you think you’ve never done any fear play, you might be wrong. Fear play runs on a long spectrum much like most other things. Ever been spanking a bottom again and again and again then suddenly stop and give pause, only to surprise them with one hard smack! That pause, even though it’s subtle, can cause momentary fear in the bottom. Not knowing what will come next – for example putting a blindfold on them – can cause fear. It may be showing them a scary toy, then blindfolding them and, in reality, using something that merely feels like you might be using the “scary” toy but you’re not. As you advance to certain implements, like single tails or dragonstails, or even canes – you may strike it or crack it hard nearby to make them jump. All of these things can be considered fear play. Heck, sometimes just making them think you’ve left them alone on the cross or bench can be a total mind fuck – yet we know that a responsible Top would never actually do this.

Some types of fear play I don’t recommend unless it’s with a trusted and long term partner. One example of this is a story I know of a female Dom with her slave and the slave had a hard limit of breaking his skin. She first showed him a knife then blindfolded him. She’d done non-cutting knife play before so he thought nothing of it. Using a toothpick and warm honey she pretended to “accidentally” cut him. Scared the crap out of him. He didn’t know it wasn’t real until after the scene. People have also used fake versions of real phobias to create fear. For example, if the bottom is arachnophobic (spiders) then using plastic spiders in the scene can cause intense fear. Even if they know they’re fake – it’s based on a phobia which amplifies the emotional response. Making them hold them or placing them on the bottom’s body could be scarier than the whip or staple gun in your hand!

Now, this brings me to an important point. In the case of a real phobia DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT use or do the real thing. Using the example above, never put a real live spider on a bottom who is arachnophobic. If someone is claustrophobic be VERY careful about using sensory deprivation and especially things like hoods or gas masks. Even if something seems harmless to you, these are illogical, yet real, fears. To the bottom this type of extreme fear play can cause traumatic psychological results. Plus they probably won’t ever want to play with you again!

So while fear play can be awesome, remember that there are different levels. Base what you do on the experience and trust you have with your play partner and always do it responsibly. While I appreciate getting new clients in my therapy office, this shouldn’t be the reason!

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO BEING A DOMINANT

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake Dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake Dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

• Daddy
• Master
• Boss
• Owner
• Sadist
• 
  

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

• Holding their sub down during sex
• Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
• Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
• Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

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I hope you enjoyed this article that I found in my searching in my learning .

Why We Need to Be Careful Who We Label a “Real” Dom or Sub ....

Can a submissive or Dominant be good? Yes. Can they be right for you? Maybe. What about “real” Doms or subs?

Well, that’s where it gets problematic.

Let’s get one thing straight: yes, there can be people who fake being a Dominant or a submissive to get something, to use someone, or to get themselves off while offering nothing in return. Yep to all of that. But we have language for that — abusers, wannabes, posers, assholes.

When the term “real” gets used, it’s usually to negate another person’s experience with D/s. How many times have you seen someone go on a rant about what a “real” Dominant will do or how a “real” submissive behaves? Have you ever thought, “But I do that?” I know I have.

We’ve been told we can’t be “real” many times over the years because I’m too opinionated to be a submissive and John Brownstone isn’t enough of an asshole to be a Dominant. (Insert eye roll here.)

I think we need to differentiate between “real” and “good.”

We All Do Things Differently

There are some kinks and some power exchanges that I just don’t get. When I hear about them, it’s a bit like hearing a foreign language. I recognize what’s being said as words but they hold no meaning for me. Does that mean that the D/s relationship is somehow less real than mine? Of course not! If we say (as John Brownstone and I do) that all you need are consent and communication, then the rest doesn’t really matter. Yes, even when the things being done offend our senses and scare the hell out of us.

And yes, I’ve seen some questionable behavior, especially from Twitter Doms who tend to fall in the wannabe category. They throw up red flags left and right, and sadly, someone will (eventually) fall for it. Yes, we need to continue to talk about why some behavior isn’t okay but we need to be careful how we label things we don’t agree with.

We Can’t Always Be On 24/7

Sometimes John Brownstone has zero head space to make a decision, and sometimes I love being in charge. Does that somehow mean we’re less Dominant or submissive in those moments? Of course not. Being a Dom or sub isn’t a costume we put on or take off at will; we’re always who we are. But that doesn’t mean we’re in the role every moment of every day. Just because I make a decision (and he lets me) doesn’t make us less of who we are.

Your Definitions Only Fit You

I get why some people really hate labels in BDSM. It’s because once a label is applied, it becomes almost a definitional prison. If you don’t conform to a specific definition, you’re doing it “wrong” and you don’t belong. The thing most people forget is that just because something is wrong for you doesn’t mean it’s wrong for someone else. Define your D/s on your terms and let others define it on theirs.

Struggling is Not a Sign of Failure

I’ve been called a “natural submissive” which on one level seems to fit me and on another level I find problematic. Partly because I’m not even sure what it means, and two, it seems like it excludes others. And whatever that term means, we all struggle with our Dom or sub self at some point, a little or a lot. Maybe only in the beginning or maybe all the time, but the struggle is real and normal. Outside of new relationship energy (NRE), it’s not uncommon for submissive's to have a moment when they really don’t want to do that thing for their Dom.  And yes, sometimes a Dom wouldn’t mind if they could just not make a decision for a minute. When that happens, you’re no less “real” than the next kinkster.

What works for you won’t work for someone else, but that doesn’t negate the reality of whatever you feel yourself to be. As a community, we need to be careful about who we label as real or authentic. When we see bad behavior, call it out. When we don’t understand something, ask questions. But I personally don’t feel qualified to decide who’s real or not in D/s, although I might definitely have an opinion on good versus bad behavior. And I’m sure most others aren’t qualified, either.

BY KAYLA LORDS

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Love This .......

                      This is so True .........

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A Smile For Today .....

Kitten
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Monday Sentiments ......

          This...........

because some friends who have 'disappeared' from my life have been on my mind

Sir's Commandments ....

My First Commandment: Self Care.  ❤
 "What does that mean?" I am often asked. Self Care is The Most Important of my Commandments, it is the key to true happiness in life, it means, Give To You. Be generous to You, DO well For You, Eat well For You, Do little nice things just for You, Take best care of your beautiful body, Be Tender with You and your precious heart, Reward You, be Master of your Sex, Satisfy your needs, Indulge For You, in whatever it is you need that's healthy and good for you. Be Positive and an expression of You and who you are, and how you feel about being a Positive person in this world. Self Care, without a doubt, the most important Commandment.


My Second Commandment: Per Amore , For Love... ❤
Those magical forever words, Live your life For Love, Act For Love, Be Strong, For Love, Resist and Respect temptation, For Love...do it all, every little thing you ever can, Per Amore, For Love ❤


My Third Commandment: Stand Tall, 👨
 Live your life with Maximum Integrity at all times, Make your Morals your pillars, Do Not Choose to be Morally Wrong in your actions and life choices, hard as that may be at times, and you will never have to live a life filled with guilt and regret.


My Fourth Commandment: Forever Mine,  💯
 Once Made a Miss Under My Hand, forever and always will that Miss have my graces, and may call upon me in her moment of need, and I shall be there, and appear upon my white horse, as I once was in her eyes, one more time to save her and help her thru a problem, and then, again I shall retreat into memories, forever shall I remain a Beautiful Ghost for her perhaps.


My Fifth Commandment: There is no Tomorrow. Live and Love for Today.  ☀
  Do It Now, There truly is no promise that you'll Ever have another chance...This Commandment has been learned thru my hardest pains, Heed it, Please, for one thing you will regret most is making the mistake that there is forever in which to do something, to take action, that things will wait for you, while the chance to do so Today is passing you by...Do Not Wait, Act now 😢


My Sixth Commandment: Let Go for Now, Don't Hold Onto whats Gone. ⛔
Remember those who walk away, never intended to stay. Let them go and Save Yourself, because for all the love you may have for them, if they will not return that love to you, no matter your ardent attempts to allow them to find their own way to do as such, no matter your concessions given to Only them, if in the end you cannot help them to that place of shared respect, shared wants and needs, then you must turn from that love, and search for one that will give and take the love you both share, and if those that you cannot help to express love choose to stab you in the back, have already put themselves far behind you 💔


My Seventh Commandment: Balance.  ⚖
Expect and demand back what you give to your Relationship and Partner, Balance is essential to a healthy relationship of any kind, and requires equal effort from the couple as individuals and as a whole, no matter if you are the Dominant or the submissive, it requires Equal Effort. ＝ 💯


My Eighth Commandment: Know Your Limits,  👼
 Spread Your Wings, but Don't spread yourself too far.


My Ninth Commandment: Self Pride.  👨👩
Stand Tall as a Mountain, and Be Proud of You for what you have done in your life, of who you are or who you are becoming. This is Not arrogance, this is not to Up your own stock, this is the basis of You..of What you stand for and how you express that in your life every single second, every single breath. This is Never to be little another, But, if you have lived your life with the Third Commandment in the forefront, you can walk tall thru any flames, and no matter the attacks that come, you can be proud of yourself, your actions taken in life, and How you approach your life, and allow others to be part of your life. Respect is to be Earned,  and those that expect it to be Given should learn fast and hard that is not the case.


My Tenth Commandment. Don't be a Fool,  Don't walk away,  ⚠
 from something you wish to keep for yourself, because by the time you turn around someone else will have kept it for themselves.


My Eleventh Commandment. Believe in Tomorrow.  👑  ⛪
  When you look ahead in life, you may as well look towards something beautiful. If you only picture a dark and dreary life and world around you, your entire understanding of the world becomes tainted and will surely corrupt and remove Many chances for positive things to happen, Choose a Happy and fulfilled tomorrow for you and your partner.


My Twelfth Commandment: Self Sacrifice for Your Love.   ❤👨👩
  In Love, one must be willing to give as much to that love as they do unto themselves, if not more at times, and to be selfless in that act, the lens and its focus must be removed from ones own life, and made to see the life of that shared world made between two loving hearts to be something of greatest value, it cant be a struggle to do that, it cant live as a regret for long, but more so the opposite, its to be given with joy, knowing that, what is given, shall be returned many many times to come from that one special person you trust with such investment and belief, and you are Investing in Love and Your life by doing this, it cant be one sided though, that never works, and it is the responsibility of both partners to remember and indulge the romantic hearts within them with the knowledge that the word We is as important as the word Me.  👫



CHANGE ❓❓❓
A Friend asks:"You make it sound so simple. Is it?" ❗❗❗

"Yes...it truly is, you first Stop, stop being afraid, stop worrying, stop fearing what might happen, cuz that brain of ours will make a million possibilities that could or couldn't happen, Start believing that it will come, it's all out there, of course, and you are no less meant to have that than anyone else, and so, Belief becomes both your sword and your shield...and from there on, you become a crusader for your own heart, and the hearts of others who believe as well...and then, one day, there's a guy on a big white horse standing in front of you with his hand extended asking you to go on a grand adventure with him...and that's how it happens, its just that simple.  ✔✔✔



❗❗❗ Sometimes, I read my own words, and I am pleased with whom I grew up to be ✔✔✔ The First Commandment...Self Care. ~Me 👨              Used with permission.

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To Be A Little ...........

                                      To be a "little" is subjective

 

 To be a little is whatever you declare it so,
just as with any other sector of this vast
world of BDSM. What being a "Little" means
to me, is to curl up deep within yourself and
indulge in your truest form; that innocent, 
delicate, and warm softness bubbles up to
the surface, wrapping onto the reality it has
missed some time ago.

Though I must be completely honest, I was 
entirely unaware with it's existence just some
years ago --  my journey in this world is still
learning , yet in these past 5 years I have
learned so much about myself. Through self-
awareness I believe I am still learning to what
 it means to be a "little".

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My Submissive Journey on Submission and Surrender.

Surrender...Not obedience, not service, not compliance...
I think that, ideally, submission leads to surrender and the two become one deeply entwined experience.

It is quite possible to submit without surrendering. But I think that keeps us in the shallow end of possibility.

Surrender is yielding oneself to the power and control of another. It is the ultimate form of letting go. And it can be done also in the form of a friendship, in which if it is just to stressful and hurtful towards you, maybe then you have to let it go.

I think of submissive as a state of mind and/or a way of being. Whereas submitting is an action. Surrendering takes the two and makes them one--it becomes an action that occurs in a certain state of being.

Submission without surrender is easy. It is a place where one can still hold back parts of themselves. It's a physical state that one can enter and leave at will--one's own will.
Submission is allowing the bending of one's own will by another. It is a choice we make. Surrender is that moment where His will becomes mine.

When submission meets surrender personal will yields itself to the will of another. It is no longer a state of mind or an action we take. We enter a state of being beyond the shallow depths of possibility and float in the deep end knowing and trusting that someone else is our life jacket.

Submitting is about trusting the person you submit to. Surrender is taking that trust just a little bit further than we thought possible.
And it's kind of difficult to sit there struggling with surrender, wondering why it comes so hard when you trust someone completely--then you realize that trust isn't implicit. That there is still a touch of doubt here, some reserve there.

I think that is why it is easier to submit to physical events than it is to things like life choices--stuff that challenges how we see ourselves and our place in the world. Because one can submit without surrendering. And in some cases, that is probably the healthy route.

But there is something mind blowing about surrendering to the point where you reach for the bottom and realize you are so far out in the deep end that you can't even see it.

 "Surrendering one step at a time". These are just my thoughts about submission and surrender. I clearly haven't got it all down yet. But I'm working on it.

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BDSM Explaining it ........

Explaining BDSM to a new lover who may not know what it is, or even a friend. How to bring it up without "scaring" them


So let's start with an analogy, a child's game. In the kids game, 'Trust Me' one person stands behind the other. The one in front falls backward, trusting the other to catch them before crashing to the floor. 'Trust Me' contains an element of danger, the risk of not getting caught and getting hurt. The person falling places great trust in the person catching. When the falling player trusts the catcher enough to let go completely, and the catch happens as planned, both players experience a moment of exhilaration that’s difficult to duplicate any other way.




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It’s About Trust

BDSM is similar. The myth is that it’s abusive and weird whips and chains.

Actually it’s about trust. When trust trumps the possibility of harm, the result can feel incredibly intimate and erotic.

There are several terms for BDSM:
Domination-submission (D/s) because one lover has control over the other, at least nominally; sado-masochism (SM), which involves spanking, flogging or other types of intense sensation; and bondage and discipline (BD), which involves restraint. But the current term is BDSM.

Many people consider BDSM perverted, dehumanizing, or worse. But aficionados call it the most loving, nurturing, intimate form of human contact and play. People can have sex without conversation, negotiation, or any emotional connection. But in BDSM, the players always arrange things in advance with clear, intimate communication, which creates a special erotic bond.


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Just another way to make love

But all available evidence shows that the vast majority of BDSM enthusiasts are mentally healthy and typical in every respect, except that they find “vanilla” sex unfulfilling and want something more intense and intimate.

Before condemning BDSM, remember that not too long ago, oral sex and homosexuality were considered “perverse.”

Two to three percent of American adults play with BDSM, most occasionally, some often, and a few 24/7. That’s around 5 million people. Meanwhile, around 20 percent of adults report some arousal from BDSM images or stories.

There are public BDSM clubs and private groups in every major metropolitan area and throughout rural America. Many cities have several.

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Never Abusive

If you’re repulsed by BDSM, don’t play that way. But BDSM imagery pervades society. Henry Kissinger once called power “the ultimate aphrodisiac.” Kings and nations have fought to dominate others. Capitalism assumes a dog-eat-dog world where succeeding means exerting control.

And in sports, players strive to “humiliate” opponents.

But what kind of person feels sexually aroused by pain? Many people who are perfectly normal in every other respect. Again, consider sports: When football players make brilliant plays, teammates often slap their butts, punch them, or slap their helmets. Recipients accept this “abuse” gratefully as a sign of appreciation and affection. Or consider a hike up a mountain. You get sunburned. Thorns scratch your legs. And by the time you reach the summit, you’re aching and exhausted. Yet you feel exhilarated.

Sadly, media BDSM has grossly distorted the pain that submissives experience. It’s more theatrical than real. When performed by ethical, nurturing Dominants, BDSM is never abusive.

It’s always consensual, abuse is not. You don’t need restraints, gags, or whips to abuse someone. In loving hands, the equipment heightens sensual excitement, allowing both players to enjoy their interaction, or “scene,” as good, clean, erotic fun.

When BDSM inflicts real pain, it’s always carefully controlled with the submissive specifying limits clearly beforehand.

Subs are very particular about the kinds of pain. Many prefer to call it an intense sensation that brings them pleasure. They experience the pain of bee stings or a punch in the face exactly like anyone else, and dislike it just as much.

__________


Safe Words

BDSM is more theatrical than real. Sessions are called “scenes” and participants carefully plan their moves in advance.

First, participants agree on a “safe” word, a stop signal that the sub can invoke at any time. The safe word immediately stops the action, at least until the players have discussed the reason the bottom said it, and have to mutually agree to resume. A popular safe word is “red light.”



Some terms should not be used as safe words: “stop,” “no,” or “don’t” because both Doms and subs often enjoy having subs “beg” Doms to “stop,” knowing that they won’t.

Any Dom who fails to honor pre-arranged safe words violates the subs trust and destroys the relationship. Doms who fail to honor safe words are ostracized from the BDSM community.


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Subs are in charge

Although subs desire being submissive and letting another take charge of them, the irony of BDSM is that the sub is in charge. Bottoms can invoke the stop signal, and Doms vow to obey immediately.

Meanwhile, Doms act Dominant, but they must also be caring and nurturing, taking bottoms to their agreed-upon limit, but never beyond it. Doms do not force any submissive into submission. They nurture the submissive, gain their trust and prove that the Dom is trust worthy to keep the submissive safe from physical harm.

In this way, BDSM provides an opportunity for everyone to experiment with taking and surrendering power, while always feeling safe and cared for. People who enjoy BDSM say it results in amazing erotic intensity.

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Learning the Ropes

Before experimenting with BDSM, get some instruction. Read a book, take a class, visit Web sites or clubs. Have a Dominant mentor you and train you in the art of submission.

It takes extensive negotiation to arrive at mutually agreeable BDSM play. Before every scene, players must negotiate all aspects of it, from the players to safe words to everyone’s limits.

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How to Begin

First decide if you're more into S&M or B&D. If the former, then spanking is the way many people begin. If the latter, blindfolding the sub can be fun. 

The skills required for BDSM include trust, clear communication, self-acceptance, and acceptance of the other person. Those same skills that enhance relationships and sex no matter how you play.
 I hope this helps anyone understand better about This Lifestyle of BDSM. 
Written by a Dominant that this submissive knows,  I added some pictures to make it more interesting and to catch your eye ....

I do hope that you enjoyed this article and maybe also learned something new.

Hugs and Kisses 

xoxoxo

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